the countdown begins.

our stroller is stocked with plastic buckets and shovels, bubbles and sidewalk chalk, the kids' feet developing their first sandal tans and their skin sweet with the smell of sunscreen and sweat.  somehow we have stumbled into summer...hard to believe the days are already about to start getting shorter again.

we blazed through the end of may and all the celebrations it brings our family with many happy new memories and only a few minor disasters.  there was, of course, bean's second birthday, which was celebrated over a long weekend with all manner of visitors, balloons, presents, pictures and excitement merited by such an occasion.

aside from temperatures soaring into the high 90s with heat rising off the pavement that actually partially cooked the kids in the stroller (note the potato chips to replace their sodium levels)

and this small tragedy

things more or less went off without a hitch.  bean has overcome her major phobia of balloons (above pictured balloon massacre was her brother's doing)

and this year while grownups enjoyed quinoa taboule and walnut lemon hummus, bean was treated to chocolate coconut cupcakes with strawberry buttercream frosting.  it's possible the grownups snuck a few of those as well.

all in all, a success.

the last day of may we celebrated our anniversary for the first time since we got married.  by a stroke of luck i got to leave work a few hours early and david didn't need to be in until 11pm, just enough time to squeeze in one of these at our favorite restaurant.  sure beats taking care of a newborn, which is how we traditionally celebrate.

all of our other attention has been increasingly focused on our imminent departure from chicago, which is beginning to feel as real as these huge junctures can before they actually take place.  all of a sudden instead of putting duck after duck in a row to make sure all goes smoothly with our construction project clear across the country, major details of our departure have begun to fall into place.  moving company?   check.  car transporters?  check.  moving date?  check.  one way tickets to california?  eek!  check.  i have purchased perishable goods that expire after we will already be gone.  i have my new work schedule and i eerily just fall off of it without a trace at the end of june, like i was never even there.

this has gone from a playful suggestion, an internet search or two, to a real life overhaul.  while we've enjoyed watching our house go from a square of dirt to something with walls, cabinets, a banister, now even a yard, and a chandelier, it's not something we can yet touch and feel.  but each detail that comes together on this end somehow makes it tangible.  sort of.

this all makes me very anxious.  people scoff at me when i say that i don't handle change well given the nature of the last few years of my life.  trust me, i had to quickly develop a roll with the punches attitude in order to survive.  they say the first year of marriage is the most difficult, but i wonder if, ironically, squeezing my first interstate move, a career change, graduate school, residency, pregnancy and a baby into the first year allowed our relationship to become stronger and more durable.  we've had literally no time to nitpick each other, and have instead clung to each other for dear life.  our marriage has worked well in survival mode.

but i don't.  handle change well, that is.  i'm a mammal, so if that change requires nurturing my offspring so they can survive, sure, i'll adapt.  but what separates us from dogs and elephants and even chimpanzees is our emotion, and saying goodbye gets harder the older i get.  i've done it enough times now to know that even the people you love the most, the people you PROMISE to stay in touch with, the people you just can't imagine living without, you do.  time is not selective for lessening what is painful.  it also lessens what is good.  there are some of course for whom distance physically and emotionally doesn't seem to matter--you pick up fine right where you left off.  that seems to apply to blood relatives and friends you had in high school.  but what about the rest of them?

what about all of these friends we have made?  david entered his program knowing his group would splinter, all of them transient, ready after three years to go back home or try something new.  but, as much as i've dug my heels in about my disdain for life in chicago and my eagerness to leave, in spite of myself, i have acquired some very special friends who it breaks my heart to leave.  friends who will attend birthing classes with me when my husband can't.  friends who will drive from all corners of this city just to sit in my apartment and play with my kids.  friends who will drag me through a half marathon.  friends who will babysit free of charge.  friends who will put books in my locker they think i'd like to read.  friends who will come into work early, stay late, or switch shifts to make my life easier.  friends who will accommodate this very lifestyle i've less than appreciated in chicago, making things not just bearable, but fun.  

and what about the one who's about to have a baby?  and the one who's newly pregnant?  or my sister who lives 4 miles away, or my best childhood friend who just moved in next to my sister?  and all the engagements and weddings and babies and promotions and milestones i will miss in what feels now like a ramshackle whirlwind, but i know once i've gone will be remembered much more as the start of a real life with real roots that ache to sever.  but we're leaving, and that's that.  

the kids, of course, have no idea what's around the corner.  perhaps they'll begin to catch on when we start packing, but i don't see that happening in the next few weeks as a result of my disdain for packing, lack of time, and refusal to believe we actually will ship all of our belongings on july 9th.  get in line behind laundry and dishes, packing.  i'll be over here knitting.

we've all been enjoying the warmer weather, which allows us to get out of the house once a day on most days.  reese is standing up on his own a little more each day...we're probably just a few weeks now from walking.  the other morning he said "ASH-LEY" clear as a bell and then immediately went back to babbling unintelligibly.  it was bizarre and comical.  he continues to be impossibly cuddly and delicious.

bean, on the other hand, is somehow getting simultaneously more affectionate and thoughtful as she gets more ornery and defiant.  this makes her more fun and at the same time more difficult to be around.  she's starting to catch on that if she doesn't want to do something, it's relatively difficult for me to make her do it.  she thinks that's funny.  she smirks at me.  she no longer suggests, but instructs us on where to sit, what to read, and delegates instrumentation in our family band.  as a result, reese is becoming very proficient at the kazoo.  but she also loves me, everyone, with a fierce passion that increases by the day.  i guess the two have to line up or humans too would eat their young.

"bean, it's time to take a nap."

NO.  reesey do THIS one.

next week we've got david's graduation from residency (though he'll continue to work for two weeks after), father's day, and then wrapping up life in chicago will really take off.  we'll check in.