our first knitting project.
hard to believe that in two whirlwind years i have gotten married, moved, had almost two children, finished another masters degree and got licensed as a registered nurse, but it's true. when i write it all down like that it suddenly makes me sleepy just to think about. however, i'm very satisfied with all of these accomplishments and am looking forward to spending the next two years (and forever) enjoying the fruits of my labor in a more leisurely fashion.
making valentine's dinner together.
so, thinking back to end of january......... i spent the month of february finishing up in the cardiac care unit. i continued to love every moment and was always excited to go to work in the morning, and invigorated when i came home. it was a real treat to have such a great work environment, and i can only hope to find something similar during my career. sadly, downsizing and budget cuts across illinois (and the greater usa) make finding work very difficult as a new grad especially, including at my home institution where i've invested no small amount of time, effort and money. large bummer. however, we keep hearing the pendulum's set to swing the other way...
bean and dada compose a duet.
regardless, the timing works out such that i have an extended leave of absence anyway, because we have to wait for #2 to be born and get all settled before i jump back into work. it takes so long to get approved to even take the boards (check), pass them (check), and then receive my license (still pending), by the time i can even apply for jobs, i won't be behind my peers by much, if at all.
bean visits cousin ava and cousin kuma, the first animal who doesn't run away from her or try to eat her.
i feel like my time in the ccu made it very evident to me that i belong in critical care, an added layer of confidence in my developing career that i really value. however, the few feelers i've already put out in the working world indicate a pretty harsh hiring environment. there just simply isn't a need right now for new nurses, so every unit has their pick. they can make demands like tons of prior experience because so many nurses are jobless. i'm not giving up hope, and will wait until it becomes necessary for me to augment our income so we can keep shopping at whole foods before i break down and take a job i feel less than excited to start. alternately, i can work at whole foods to get a discount on food, and we'd probably come out even.
our van!
so, i polished off my final clinical rotation as a student at the end of february (and had a legitimate two weeks of withdrawal), followed by a short trip to michigan where we handed bean over to her grandparents while i churned out my capstone project late into many nights at various ann arbor cafes. we returned to chicago where i had an abrupt shift in gears, from full time student to full time mom for the first time since stinky was only a couple weeks old. the first few weeks of march included a couple of academic obligations, exit counseling sessions, lunches, presentations, and finally, convocation. but other than an hour here and there, it's been mom and bean for a few months now.
more knitting projects
again, the timing worked out well, as i'm increasingly filled with apprehension about having two babies under one year, both very needy in very different ways. although we really were looking forward to spending a lot of time outdoors in these few weeks, which has been impossible with winter lingering, freezing rain and all, late into april, spending these last few weeks of bean's only childhood together has been really amazing.
bean goes from lying to sitting by herself.
so again, back to january. when we came home from davis, i personally found bean to be in a bit of a funk that lasted a few weeks. this was probably due in part to her increasing urge to crawl, which didn't come for almost a month after that, actually... but after weeks of rolling, rocking, sliding backward, and being generally very frustrated, the day of my graduation bean finally coordinated her movements and took a few paces forward. within the week she became so mobile that, after working many long shifts in a row, daveed woke up one morning and promptly nailed bean in the face with one of his shins because he didn't realize she had the ability to crawl clear across the apartment in a matter of seconds to see what her dad was up to.
bean and i spent most of this time trapped in doors with below average temps and excessive precipitation going on for weeks now. while i'm actually not a jack of all trades (i still need to attend higgs handyman bootcamp so i can learn how to grow food and roof and operate large tractory things and install cabinetry, etc.), i did take up knitting with such an obsessive fervor that i had little time for anything else! i even have blisters on the tips of my fingers fron doing decreases on tiny needles. fortunately, bean was initially also very interested in knitting for a couple of weeks. we had a blissful stretch where we passed day after day knitting and giggling and rolling around, bean far more interested in unraveling yarn and playing with little pieces of string than any of her toys.
unfortunately, those days have come and gone, though bean will spend decent stretches of time crawling around and getting into all kinds of mischief around our still not child proofed apartment. she still likes to help me knit still, but now she does so by grabbing whatever i'm doing out of my hands and handing it back to me immediately, dislodging stitches in the process. she remains fascinated by anything miniscule on the floor, picking up every crumb, feather, and cat hair. fortunately, bean puts almost nothing into her mouth, which is ideal considering her hawkeye vision and dexterity, but makes feeding herself rather difficult.
happy bday dada
while she literally exploded in developmental milestones over the course of one week in mid march, the confident crawling, waving, and graduating from cooing to babbling, she hit some roadblocks with solid food. still adventurous with flavors, new textures caused bean to literally projectile vomit. this seemed to bother us more than her, but usually made it difficult to continue with meals. while bean decided to leave sound sleeping behind (that's for babies) around 4 months of age, feeding is by far the most stressful thing for me. food and nutrition are not only one of my mastered trades, but a real passion and lifestyle for me/us. my kid not eating well is very difficult, and a large, ongoing exercise in patience. but, with the eating, sleeping (50% of the time we have naptime tantrums, and bean still wakes up twice a night despite being one month from her first birthday), and attitude issues, i continue to tell myself a bad day is a bad day, and she will eat/sleep better and scream less the next day, and that's usually the case.
to be fair, bean has come a really long way with texture. after a week or two of cottage cheese therapy (of all things!), bean now actually does great with chunks of fruit/vegetables/tofu/lentils/beans (a picky meat eater myself, i've been in no hurry to introduce it to bean) mixed into her cereal, and will happily munch on little pieces of pancake or bread...provided it's dropped into her mouth. while she's strong, coordinated, and intelligent enough now to feed herself and hold a bottle or cup, she refuses to do so. again...i keep telling myself she'll grow into it, or out of it, or whatever.
bean cruising through the apartment.
now that bean has become very mobile, she entertains herself well around the house. however, it makes certain necessary tasks almost impossible because she is really enjoying her hard-earned independence. strapping her into any kind of chair is 90% of the time a bloodbath...this includes high chair, car seat, and stroller, as well as diaper changes. which makes eating, driving, and generally leaving the apartment almost impossible. i am as a result an expert at diapering a crawling, sitting, rolling or standing baby. while i refuse to chase her around the apartment with spoonfulls of food, our compromise is that she can sit in her high chair with no tray table and without being strapped in (once she realizes she's strapped in, it's all over). even so, often times we'll only get through three bites of food before she becomes so infuriated that she won't attempt eating for several more hours.
unfortunately, this current phase is associated with a lot of legitimate screaming, thrusting, howling temper tantrums that are really not fun, especially in public. over the last month or so bean has gotten into a difficult in-between stage where she's developing a rather sassy personality (not surprising) but is not quite old enough to understand discipline, so i try to just ignore her (and all of the gaping bystanders) when she acts that way. hard to believe this is the same baby we used to do a diaper change for to calm her down, or take on road trips, put her in the stroller to sleep, or study with at cafes. no more!
bean and mom at the botanical gardens.
on my first day of my peds rotation about a year ago, i was assigned to an adorable little muffin of a one year old who had been born very prematurely and developed significant and sadly, very common debilitating afflictions found in many wee premies. he'd never spent a day outside the hospital since his birth. while i tried to go with the flow for his various tube feedings, physical therapy sessions, etc, he ended up very agitated at the end of my shift and puked all over himself and me, which is a big deal since he basically gets no nutrition. my nurse kinda tore me a new one for not adhering better to his "schedule," pointing to a numbered list of appropriate activities and corresponding times hanging above his bed, and attributed the incident to my lack of strict adherence. i obviously felt terrible and apologized profusely, but couldn't help but wonder what the hell a bedridden one year old needs such a rigid schedule for!
regardless, that memory stayed with me, and as it turns out, i started hearing and reading a lot about schedules for beans as my bean grew. when they are tiny, they sort of make their own schedule. but as they grow and can begin to respond to things like sleep training, meal times, etc, apparently a lot of benefit can come from scheduling tots, providing a sense of comfort and security for them. as soon as i could stay home full time, i vowed to get bean on a tighter schedule to try and work out some of her eating/sleeping kinks before the arrival of her brother.
bean and dada at the zoo.
that schedule has remained roughly unchanged, and is as follows:
6:30-8am (on the luckiest mornings), bean wakes up. if she had an early bottle, say around 4am, she sleeps in later and eats a light breakfast on waking, like yogurt with fresh fruit. if she had a late bottle, say 6am, she unfortunately usually does not go back to sleep.
for about two hours after waking, bean is in a happy little mood and entertains herself around the apartment. i usually sit on the floor and knit, and she comes to visit me once in awhile. general naptime signals include eye rubbing, yawning, and getting fussy even when held.
somewhere around 8-9am bean will have her morning nap, preceded by two stories. she sleeps between 45 minutes and two hours, usually around an hour.
as soon as bean wakes up from her am nap, unless she ate right before the nap, she helps me make her brunch and eats right away. she is in the best mood when she wakes up, so we must take advantage! she then crawls around happily for a few more hours. again, we've been stuck indoors for months now, so we use this time to catch up a bit on chores, folding laundry or unloading the dishwasher, etc. toward the end of a 3 hour block or so, we have a bath together. her bath chair is the only chair she will still sit in without a fuss, which is fortunate since this is also my bathtime--for months i've been far too fat to lean over the tub and wash her, so we have all our baths together.
bean and mom at the museum.
then bean takes her pm nap, which is typically the longer one, 1.5-2 hours. we used to adhere more rigidly to these nap schedules because if bean did not nap at exactly these intervals, she wouldn't nap at all. but now if we plan an outing, we sometimes stretch the time between day naps since it's easier to get out earlier in the day. on days with good weather, we live just a 5 minute walk from a small park with a playground, so bean and i sometimes have short outings there as well.
when she wakes from her pm nap, she again goes straight to the high chair to eat. then we have quite a long stretch before her 8pm bed time, so we usually have a nice walk, often to whole foods to get ingredients for dinner. then we come home and she helps me cook, has her dinner around 7, and a bed time bottle, her stories, and her sleep sack. for all the nap tears we get, she continues to go to bed at night almost exclusively without fuss. at the advice of our pediatrician, we now wake bean before we go to sleep to give her another bottle around 10...she actually does not regain consciousness for the entire feeding, and this allows her to sleep for a long stretch rather than waking us up an hour or two before we hit the sack.
enjoying a rare sunny day.
we have a nice little routine here that we really enjoy. we have tons of time together, but i also have a fair amount of hours each day of quiet time to myself, which is great. i used to use her nap time to study for the boards, but now i'm free to knit and even read non-text books, write this blog, catch up on emails, etc. i too have begun to find solace and comfort in this schedule, so i will really miss it when we throw a new infant into the mix.
bean varies day to day in her overall demeanor, but for the most part can be transitioned out of a fussy period with a simple change of scenery, made much easier by warmer weather. sometimes we both start to get some serious cabin fever! i'm excited for her to continue getting older so we can keep expanding on potential activities, like different crafts, or interacting with other beans. right now bean is still a little young to be out of the house for too long, to be interested in human playmates, or to hold crayons. but, we're getting there! we spend a lot of time these days making each other laugh with funny faces and noises and tickling, and lots of hugs and kisses. it's difficult to convey, actually, the amount of affection shared between us. but, as much as i love cute little babies, the older she gets, the more interactive and fun she gets. i'm looking forward to her continued growth and development.
these few weeks of adventures with bean have been very special in a lot of ways. it's really amazing to watch a tiny human develop and explore the world every day, seeing and smelling and touching new things for the first time. things like grass, or woodchips, or tree branches, or swinging for the first time are so stimulating and interesting to her. it's so cool to really know this little person better than anyone else, and to constantly be learning and adjusting to the way she is growing and changing.
it has also been really special for us to develop our relationship more, and to feel so trusted and loved. it doesn't matter how long she screamed on the way to bed, when she wakes up bouncing and grinning and waving furiously at me in her crib, it just doesn't matter. she has become both more clingly and more affectionate, giving lots of hugs and kisses. in fact, the one english command she really understands is "give ______ a kiss," and will open wide and plant her cute, slobbery mouth on whatever body part she can reach first with her fat little face.
give dada a kiss.
she is literally doing new things every week, every day even...trying new foods, saying new sounds (dadada then yayaya, bababa and today mamama). in the past few days she's gotten very agile at standing up by climbing up various pieces of furniture. she particularly likes to stand next to our coffee table and systematically remove every remote, book, and piece of mail one by one. over the past week, she has become a rather talented dancer. regardless of the kind of music, no matter where she is, bean will start moving her buddha belly, arms, and head to the rhythm. bean can literally draw a crowd with her dancing in the subway stations, when onlookers double and triple take at the little white girl bumpin in her stroller to rap and funk.
bean cleans off the coffee table.
she continues to look just like her dad did when he was her age, with many of the same expressions and mannerisms that he still has today. amazing what is genetic! her hair is long enough now that it's growing into cute little curls, which could actually come from either of us. what's really amazing though, is that her personality also seems somewhat genetically encoded. she has gone from a very appeasable, smiley, nonselective little baby into a fiercely independent, curious, loving little girl. she no longer smiles and giggles all the time, and while she's still definitely a happy baby, she's also often serious and quiet. it will have been silent for an extended period and i will find her alone in her room reading books, or unscrewing a chair, or examining a tiny piece of something on the floor. while most babies express stranger anxiety by screaming hysterically and clinging to their parents, bean will sit quietly across from a stranger, almost without moving, and stare at them intently for the entire duration of their visit. sometimes this is hours. it kind of freaks people out.
bean and dad play at the park.
this happened a few weeks ago when an old friend of mine since middle school came to meet bean for the first time. bean gingerly began to warm up toward the end of the two hour visit and even sat on her lap for some pictures, but was for the most part demure and penetrating. rebecca commented on this by saying, you know, she reminds me a lot of you. i had never thought about it before, but the independence, stubbornness, contentment with spending time alone reading a book on a nice quiet afternoon, skepticism of new people, but lots of love and smiles to share ultimately...she's a mini mom (on the inside). i immediately started panicking that maybe i should be making more efforts to socialize her with other babies and new people so she doesn't grow into an old hermit like me! but, i think these traits have already been imprinted...
so, it has been so much fun spending this time with bean, even though stay at home mom is officially the hardest job, if you're going to do well at it. wholly devoting 24/7 to the needs of another human is tiring and tough, especially when they can't always communicate what's bothering them but won't stop screaming... however, like many hard jobs, it's incredibly rewarding. i feel we've bonded and developed our relationship such that, as scared as i am for what challenges lay just ahead, i'm also glad i'll have my little friend and helper around all the time, keeping me connected to reality in ways that were difficult when she was a newborn and i felt very isolated. i do regret that i won't be able to give her every ounce of attention as i can now, but i think we'll all get used to it quickly, out of necessity. even on our hardest days together, i feel a little lonely when i put her to bed for the night, and go to sleep myself feeling so genuinely blessed that i get to be her mom. hard to believe i will have enough love like this to shower upon yet another little one, but i hear constantly that moms have no end to this stuff.
so, that's about it for now! i'm sure the next time we check back it will be with news of the latest addition to our family. unless bean gets a tooth in the next week, which would be an equally remarkable occasion. send us positive vibes for an easy and fast labor, ha!
