sigh.

this week has left me, us, very weary.  both kids, i'm happy to report, are out of the woods regarding their new year ailments.  i myself have another cold under my belt for 2012, but so far the kids seem immune to it (curiously).  however, when babies get sick, it's not like adults or even older children.  it's not a day of malaise, three or so of real misery, and then a day or two more to recover.  it lasts weeks, between the terrible sleep, then returning to a normal sleep schedule.  refusing all food, then reacquainting with solids that were an unfamiliar experience even before.  you can't tell a baby to eat this, sleep now, drink that, take this medicine, and so, any illness reverbs, literally, for weeks.

bean is definitely back to her old self, experimenting with new foods (and asking for "mo" or "mas" particularly in regard to chocolate), reading, laughing, dancing, singing, and adding exponentially to her vocabulary.  she is saying a few new words every day, it seems, and finally tries to repeat all words back when we're reading together.  she continues to impress us with her letter recognition as well.  today she said her first two sentences: "reesee's sad" and "reesee's happy."  both accurately.

reese is using his ninth month to make up for the first eight in which he was perfect.  realizing he'd set the bar awfully high and was thus risking a
lifetime of disappointment, he decided to fall from grace in his babyhood when his fat rosy cheeks still somewhat compensate for it.  my little angel baby who i never heard cry since the day of his birth cried for about two straight weeks between his terrible cold and then what we chalked up to teething once his other symptoms resolved.  his behavior during the day is thankfully a little more status quo, although he's not as content to just play by himself all day as he once was, but his sleep has turned into an ugly monster of a problem that scares me before bed each night.  he is up screaming HOURLY and awake for the day at 6am.

it's a cruel trick of nature, but i know that sound sleepers suddenly shirk those good habits without warning and have spurts of restless sleep.  i define a spurt as a few days.  we're going on two weeks now and it's worse every. single. night.  i was so fed up/exhausted last night that i finally went to sleep on the couch (again, sleeping arrangements and space in general in this apartment is not ideal) while he screamed his bloody head off for 1.5 straight hours at 5am.  i always try to comfort myself in those situations by saying "they can't cry like that forever," but he's working on it.

additionally, he's definitely in that phase, right around the time bean was, where he doesn't want to sit anywhere.  no carseat, no high chair, no stroller, no diaper changes.  thrusting, screaming, crying, and inevitably hitting his head on something.  he's no longer interested in cereal and purees and has been subsisting entirely off of lentils, of all things...he really surprised me tonight when, out of curiosity, i gave him a little bite of rice and split peas that bean and i were eating, and he munched away on it happily, followed by a few generous mouths of blueberry cake.  clearly, he does not have the same textural issues as his sister.  so, maybe he's just ready to graduate from grain cereal and purees!

sometimes babies have behavioral issues that correspond with big developmental changes, and this week we have watched the big boy become very agile, easily moving from sitting to crawling and back.  that's a big step toward independence, i think.  he also started talking in consonants, mostly "dadadadada," which bean recognizes as understandable language, so now they have lengthy conversations which each other, which is pretty cute.  not as cute as sleeping several hours straight, though.

overall, i'm really exhausted by these kids right now.  reese's increasing demands make it difficult to attend to bean in the way she's accustomed, which can lead to a lot of tantrums, depending on the day.  between the staggered naps and meals, mood swings, refusal to sit in anything, and cold weather to boot, life right now is day after day after day of confinement to two rooms with zero privacy, quiet, or solitude, and almost constant whining/crying/screaming.  i think often as i wheel my screaming children through public and people look on sorrowfully if they're aware of how absolutely god awful it is to hear that sound constantly, all day, and now, most of the night.  they might reconsider who they feel sorry for.

the other morning they were particularly needy and after feeding and changing both of them, i had to pump, which i have to do sitting on the floor or they scream because they can't reach me.  they were climbing, crawling, tugging, whining, pulling apart the pump, and reese has taken to climbing with all limbs and his mouth with his sharp little snaggle tooth that has left puncture marks all over my body...i literally felt like i was being eaten alive by parasites.  their little hands get into everything, ripping, tearing, destroying everything in their paths.  it's difficult to feel like you can never, ever do anything...not just anything you want to, but anything you need to...can't drink anything, it will get knocked over.  can't go to the bathroom, they scream because they can't be held.  can't even look at the kitchen or bean will pitch such a fit she will turn blue--no cooking, no eating, no doing dishes.  day to day, there is not a lot of joy in parenting right now.  THERE.  i said it.

however, once in awhile, i'll get a day where the stars align and the kids busy themselves long enough for me to drink a glass of water and make us all some lunch, take a nap at the same time so i can drink some hot tea and read a few pages in a book.  and suddenly my faith is restored in...the world?  justice?  equity?  humanity?  obviously i never lose my faith in the kids--i'm very aware they can't control their behavior.  that's what makes it so difficult.  they're irrational, demanding, illogical, and mercurial, they take, take, take, and really there's no good option but to give, give, give...but that's a tremendous, burdensome strain, it's contrary to everything we know and understand about relationships.  it saddens me that their proximity in age prohibits me from enjoying either of their babyhoods much...i'm just really looking forward to one or both of them moving on to the next phase as soon as possible.  but, trite as it sounds, there are moments of laughter, of tenderness, of discovery and curiosity, concern and companionship and understanding, few and far between as they may be on some days, that really do make it more than worth it.  and for the rest of the hours of the day, i will steadfastly cling to my knitting needles, my saving grace and comfort, the singular "me" activity that carries through all this adversity, and dream of when i can disappear here sometime maybe in the not so distant future...

we have been accumulating some serious work hours in preparation for a trip we're taking to california in a week.  david has one more day of work to go before a two week break!  for someone who only works two days a week in theory, i have found myself a little too present between the walls of my hospital, picking up a lot of extra shifts, sometimes in the icu, today in the er.  it was neat to see the very different workflow that david is a part of daily.  i never thought that was something i'd enjoy, but i actually thought it was pretty fun.

however, we have managed to get out once or twice, and of course, work on some knitting projects!

we celebrated jeannette's birthday with a kid-free-adults-only brunch at the signature room in the hancock building.  we were all a little off kilter without the kids running around, but managed to have some adult fun.

we presented her with this silk mohair cowl i started in my xmas knit withdrawal stage.  it's my most serious lace project to date and also my first beaded project, 300 tiny (so tiny you can't see them here) little glinting beads shimmied onto knit loops on a hair thin wire, to be exact...never have a screwed up a pattern so badly and still ended up with a presentable, even rather nice, result.  but i'd like to knit it again now that i figured it out, just for curiosity's sake!







david and i had our first date in several weeks, which we celebrated by seeing the third movie in a theater of our entire relationship.  we braved a legitimate blizzard (wherein i very chivalrously lent him my hat seeing as i had a long scarf, a hood, and hair) to enjoy some italian pints followed by a small feast at xoco, a favorite mexican restaurant.


we were enjoying ourselves so much that we were running a few minutes behind to see tinker tailor soldier spy, but were relieved to find a showing of war horse was set to start right on time for us.  given how much we enjoy films about war and animals, and the best picture nods, we figured we couldn't go wrong.  i left the movie with one burning question...have the people who nominated war horse for best picture actually seen war horse?  we finished the evening with dad making a pit stop in the theater bathrooms on the way out and dropping my hat in the urinal.  perhaps it's best to avoid movie theaters altogether in the future.





other than that, i finished the girl who played with fire, very entertaining and easy to read.  and finally finished up what was meant to be a baby gift and turned into a rather major care package consisting of several minor gifts for my dear friend alyssa who should have welcomed another little one sometime this week.
 
  


this week's recipes were toasted millet pilaf and winter vegetable stew with maple glazed tofu.  bean liked the tofu but didn't much care for the stew, david and i felt neutral, and reese ate more of that soup than any of us in a few breaks from lentils.  even when the recipes aren't ones we'll hurry to return to, it has been pretty nice having large, warm pots of nutritious and interesting foods around every week.

our plan is to enjoy our beautiful little bean's company as much as possible the next few days because we say goodbye to her for TWO WEEKS this saturday.  she's off to michigan while we head to california.  i don't want to think about it!

a merry christmas and an unhappy new year.

for many reasons, the holidays not the least of them, this blog has fallen by the wayside.  in order to catch up on a very long, very exhausting few weeks, i will tell you a story...one that, now that i'm pausing to reflect on it, begins and ends at the zoo.

last time we checked in, we were all set to gear up for some serious holiday cheer.  david and i were much anticipating a shared long weekend off together with our chicago clan plus my parents and brother travis.  we spent the evening of december 23rd checking out zoo lights, an event at the lincoln park zoo where it stays opened after hours with billions of lights and music and crafts, plus or minus a glimpse of some animals.  we've been spoiled with an absurdly warm winter so far, so after just a few minutes in the low 20s, we rushed to our favorite vietnamese restaurant for some vegetable pho to thaw ourselves.

after the little elves were tucked into bed, david kept me company in santa's workshop, fingers burning through the final stitches of my knitting projects, and finally wrapping everything up in the paper the kids made with their fat footprints.  at the library several weeks ago, i helped myself to a large stack of old library book cards, being used as scrap paper now that everything is computerized.  i love these old cards--they are neat and well preserved yet much older than me.  we had fun reading our titles and dates aloud as we opened gifts christmas morning.

emily's cowl

nani's scarf

 christmas eve brought our out of town guests and a continued tradition of indian dinner (two years running now), then early to bed to prepare for the big day ahead.  i awoke in the wee hours to knead dough for cinnamon rolls, only to find that for the second year in a row, my dough hadn't risen.  the year prior, i ran out early xmas morning hunting for yeast and learned two things, one, that you cannot get active dry yeast on xmas morning unless you make it yourself, and two, the city is unusually quiet and serene in a way it's not any other day.

i had anticipated another yeast disaster and bought several packets this year, but exhausted, i covered it with plastic and went back to bed.  as predicted, christmas day brought bright blue skies and temps in the high 40s.   i so enjoyed my unplanned christmas walk the year before, i suggested we do the same this year together to relax and connect as a family before the gift exchange.  we settled on a walk to our favorite beach, because how many times in our lives might we spend xmas at a beach?!

christmas morning started like any other, with awaking to the sound of our gymnast toddler bouncing in her crib.

we let the boys sleep in a little as we got changed and dressed and had a snack.  next, bean set off to wake the men in her life.  first, dad.

unsuccessful.  so, we moved on to reese.  yes, he does actually sleep in our bathroom.  not an exaggeration.

the groggy boys

after getting dressed and strapped into the stroller, we were off to the beach.  for days we'd been so excited for this outing.

unfortunately, this excitement was not shared by all.  kept far from the beach for months now, our little mermaid was thrilled at the chance take a dip in lake michigan.  she was quite unhappy when her parents would not permit this.

and so, back in the stroller we went as bean screamed all the way home.  and that is life with kids.  you plan and plan and anticipate and if the stars don't align, everyone needs to readjust their expectations and plans rather quickly.

however, we came in to find that the cinnamon rolls made an impressive comeback and made for a really spectacular xmas breakfast.  i used this recipe but of course,  replaced half the white flour with spelt.    they were a huge hit.

christmas was a true success.  i got every single thing on my list, socks, yoga pants, a sweatshirt, tea, and two hanks of malabrigo wool, as well as some surprises.  so many great gifts, and the kids really cleaned house.  presents had to be opened in three phases to allow sufficient time for naps and meals in between, and again they have more clothes and toys than they could possibly know what to do with.

mom and dad finished off the night with a looooooong christmas run that left our joints aching with great views of the city alit for the holiday, and we came back to an impressive xmas spread including pork chops from heritage foods, a rare meat indulgence for dad.

since i know you've all been silently cheering me along, i am happy to report i did indeed finish my xmas knitting.  i think for the most part, people genuinely liked their gifts, and if they didn't, they couldn't say anything because it would hurt my feelings.  so there.  on december 26th went into such severe withdrawal that i have knit several projects since.  i was excited to turn my attention elsewhere, but i'd become so attached to my knitting, i really couldn't function without it.  fortunately, there are many birthdays and birth days coming up, so i have plenty to keep my fingers busy.

modeling their gifts, aunt emmy and uncle eric

over the next couple of days, david's case of the minor sniffles started to trickle down to other members of the family.  bean became a little stuffy, but without her pacifier she continued to sleep well and play nicely during the day.  but as we approached the new year, reese also became ill, and bean became downright miserable.

still working the 3-11 shift, i came home minutes into 2012 to find my parents looking utterly weary on the couch with a shriveled, almost lifeless looking little bean.  she developed a horrible cough so violent it made her gag and left her hoarse, she refused to eat or drink anything for days, a constant stream poured out of her eyes and nose, and she could barely breathe.  after consulting with dad working overnight, i gave her a prolonged steam bath, some benadryl, and put her to sleep with a humidifier.  when david got home the next morning as she woke only about 25% alive, we had a long conversation about whether or not to take her to the er.  new years day without a hope of urgent care or a pediatrician, the er would be our only option to treat what appeared to be a losing battle against pneumonia.  

i've had sick, sick, sick patients who can't survive without constant oxygen, who have smoked 2 packs a day for 45 years, who have lung cancer, chronic bronchitis, emphysema, who are trached, vented, intubated...i'm telling you, i've never seen a person so acutely ill as my sweet little princess was.  but knowing what trauma would await her at the hospital and that between the two of us we could monitor her closely, we decided to keep her home.  it was a looooooong road to recovery, complicated by dad coming down with stomach flu new years afternoon, then me the day after, trying to quarantine the kids as that might have actually killed them superimposed on the respiratory infection...my night with the stomach flu was particularly challenging, between hourly sprints to the bathroom reese doesn't sleep in, poor dad barely out of the woods himself running to reese's bathroom to somehow latch him to my limp body to nurse him out of his misery temporarily.

being so sick is always a low point, but also very humbling, especially as a care provider.  and, while i was crippled with fear that i couldn't care for the kids when they so needed it, it was reassuring to see dad and particularly nani (jeannette was fortunately out of town for this ordeal) really step in and care for whoever needed the most care at any given moment.  after about 100 steam baths, 47,000 gallons of water converted to steam to humidify our apartment, 100 boxes worth of snotty tissues, bottles of saline spray, bulb syringes, and many, many, many doses of motrin and benedryl, these kids (and grown ups) really pulled through the darkest hour.  reese has been whinier than usual as he's working hard on a new tooth, and i went to get bean the other morning and found her room, crib, and self splattered liberally with vomit, but other than that, we have survived with a new army of antibodies to ensure none of us ever goes through that again.

the kids are back to their old antics, playing together, reading, running around, filling the rooms with laughter, raiding our alcohol supply, etc.

last friday brought one last day of 50 and sunny, and with two mostly well kids, two parents off work, and two grandmas, it seemed only reasonable that we head to the zoo.  bean has had many trips to the zoo in her short life, but this is the first time she really, truly enjoyed herself.  finally bipedal, she had an absolute ball with so much space to run around and explore, and the wonder on her face when her favorite story characters came to life, roaring lions and tigers, swinging monkeys, mooing cows, was really great.

illness can be a large setback, and for babies in particular it seems to stunt their development temporarily.  just learning to eat solids, reese self imposed a liquid only diet for a few weeks while he was on the mend.  he's just starting to gain his appetite back for cereal and purees, and really likes red split lentils.  bean emerged from her brush with death with a touch of brilliance...suddenly she speaks english and spanish, saying the names of objects she's pointed to for months now.  she even identifies letters she sees in words.  really impressive.  we're a ways from verbs and sentences, but this is a language breakthrough like none before it.  both kids made their triumphant return to music class this week.

david has been enjoying a few weeks of elective that he's spent honing some ultrasound skills, which is fast becoming the future of emergency medicine.  or it is the future, and is fast becoming the present, maybe?  in any case, he's really enjoying himself.

some changes on my floor have allowed me to work a rather ideal schedule of two 7a-7p shifts per week, leaving me plenty of time to do whatever else i'd like to, including picking up some shifts in the icu, and hopefully i'll soon do some shadowing in the er.  

other than that, i've stayed busy with my knitting, some leisure reading, and working on a few goals we've set for ourselves this new year.  i am hoping to take on my first garment project for myself in the next few months along with some other knitting goals.  we each have made some goals for our running as well.  david and i have a shared project to make every recipe in our new vegetarian cookbook before 2013.  the book is divided by season, with 12 menus, or roughly one per week for the year.  it's simple, manageable and organized, so far very delicious, and has become a fun ritual for us.  we keep a baggie with the numbers 1-12 and every time we finish a recipe, we pick the next one out of the bag.  this week we had sweet potato collard green coconut curry with jasmine rice and fried tempeh.  really, really good.

anyhow, after a really blessed christmas, we rang in the new year by weathering our worst storm thus far as a family, and we have stronger bonds and immunity to show for it, which are just as great of blessings.  thank you to all for the thoughtful, fun gifts you sent to us and the kids.  a special thanks to nani, who somehow managed to take care of all of us without ever falling victim to our various plagues--we quite literally could not have survived without her help that week.

winter officially arrived in chicago yesterday with 6 inches of snow...stay warm, safe and well, and we'll be in touch soon.